Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
