i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
