The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
