He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
