I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
