Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
