Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
