he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
