It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
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