I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
