for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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