so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
