Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
