So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
