im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
