I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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