the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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