I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
third nipple confirmed
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
