It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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