This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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