I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
