Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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