I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
