her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
