every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
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The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
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Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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