Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
