omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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