Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
