I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
you inspire me to be a worse person
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
