just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
