we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
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I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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