Have you finally orgasmed yet?
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
