We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
