he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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