Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
