wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
