You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
