my mouth tastes like poor choices
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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