I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
