I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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