You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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