Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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