When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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