6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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