She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
