bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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