she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
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