I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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