there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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