I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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