I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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