I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
