tell your sister to shave her snatch
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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