The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
