Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
