I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
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