i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
