Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
