I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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