The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize