I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm passing your future prison.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
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